The Angry Queen: ...On VP Hopeful Sarah Palin

By Broadside Staff Writer Daniel Pino

It’s election time and in keeping with the democratic tradition of the ever-expanding and diversifying voting process, I felt it necessary to throw in my two cents about one aspect of this year’s political race.

First, let me make myself clear. This column is satire and pretty much a commentary on all things fashionable, ridiculous and plain odd, so before people get their granny panties in a twist over how I might be “attacking” a political figurehead without any sympathy or intellectualism I will preface simply by saying, “Lighten up and loosen up.” This is just some tough love from a real queen to the newest Republican princess.

Now, let’s get to the juicy topic on hand: Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin is a hot woman. Hell, the Alaskan governor was a former beauty pageant runner-up and God knows somewhere, card-carrying members of the NRA no dobt have some ridiculous PhotoShopped picture of her in a stars and stripes bikini winking to the camera with an AK-47 in hand. Why for a short time, a brief nano-second really, I was amused with the aspect that she served to debunk rumors that politics no longer served as the “Hollywood for Ugly people.”

Well, if Ms. Palin is the pretty person’s political representative then I have a profound problem. First off, Palin is far from the beauty pageant days of looking like a mixture between a French poodle and a drag queen. Lately, however, the political irritation has “reinvented” herself as an ironclad pit bull wearing a harsh shade of coral lipstick.

Speaking of make-up, did you know the woman spent over $20,000 dollars to get her lip gloss to pop just the right way? Dear God, if your make-up takes that much work, girl, then spend the money on a facelift and some Botox and pick up some Covergirl from the nearest Walgreens. That’s what Tammy Faye Baker did and look at how iconic that heavily mascara-ed dame turned out. Furthermore, Palin needs to simply stop wearing irritatingly obnoxious shades of lipstick. Listen, I’m as big a fan of experimenting with the newest shades of magenta, but try a pastel or a neutral shade for Joe the Plumber’s sake.

Also, have you noticed that her outfits are what Project Runway contestant, Suede, would call, “wackadoodle”? There’s the red leather jacket she wore during an interview with CBS—just out of curiosity, but since when were political figureheads looking to a 1980s Eddie Murphy for fashion advice? Well, if your purpose was to look like the next political punchline, Palin, then as a certain infamous banner read: mission accomplished.

Then there’s the hair. It boggles my mind. Whoever thought to themselves, “y’know what, I want to merge a mullet and a beehive into one foul monstrosity and waste of styling product.” Well, I want to meet this person and then instruct the pin-up loving card-carrying NRA member to shoot. Sure, the hair is interesting, but it has the same effect on me as Palin’s ultra-conservative 1950s rhetoric does: rage.
Lord, if I could just get my hands on Governor Palin—think of all the good I could accomplish. Picture this: I’d coif her hair into a stylish bob, get her into a well fitting v-neckline blouse and some fabulous YSL pants, then finish the look with a pair of Christian Loubitin pumps. Imagine it, let it fester in your head, and then dash that fleeting hope with the realization that it will never come to pass. Sigh, how much of a better use of $150,000 is that? Next stop, Cindy “I Only Wear Monochromatic Outfits” McCain.